by Jake Clausen

June 26 1989. The time was 12:16pm and into this world came a screaming child adjusting to the new surroundings. The doctor examines the child, confirms good health and announces that it is a healthy baby girl. The parents so excited to enter a daughter into the family and a sister for their son, relished the moment. And with in that moment, with hopes of little pink clothing, painted nails, and beautiful hair, that family would soon get a surprise that they were not expecting. Fast forward to the summer of 1994, the little 5 year old daughter was already disagreeing with what everyone told her. On a hot summers day the daughter witnessed her father remove his shirt while working outside. The daughter followed suit, only to be stopped half way by her mother, when the confused daughter asked why her mother stopped her, the mother replied “because you are a girl, girls can not do that.” To which the daughter answered “no, I am not a girl, I am like dad.”


The daughter continued to grow up, and learned quickly to not speak out loud of the confusion as to why everyone called her “she” and not “he.” And only in the privacy of her bedroom could she wear her older brother’s clothes and feel at peace with the outer appearance, and what was felt on the inside. Finally in July of 2006, the girl listened intently to a presentation from the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center explaining the phrase “LGBTQ.” As the presenter is explaining each of the letters and what it means, “T, Transgender, the term used to describe the people whose gender identity is not adequately described by the sex they were assigned at birth.” Relief, joy, frustration, acceptance, just a few of the emotions that swarmed through her, finally, a definition that described what had been felt since the beginning.


That was only the beginning of my story. Born into a mildly conservative family, I knew I was the odd ball out. Given that I was very athletic and involved heavily in sports, I was seen as a tom-boy. But I disagreed, I was not a tom-boy, I was a boy, just like my best friend was a boy, and just like my brother and father are boys. I see that an individual’s gender is which genders characteristics they match up with. When I look into a mirror, or imagine myself, I see the male characteristic that society so heavily normalizes through media and rewards through acceptable social interactions.


Growing up with the immense confusion, and the rejection I routinely faced from my family when I tried to come out to them. Depression and suicidal thoughts were common through out the initial transition. Giving up my attempts to be the daughter my parents wanted me to be, to become the man I feel I am. Since entering college and embracing myself fully, I have found a state of mental peace with the image in the mirror.


From my experience I have learned a great deal from being outside the norm of society. Contrary to popular belief, gender is not a binary, fixed, one-way or the other concept. It is a continuum that allows for interpretation for what is means to be male and what it means to be female. That is why when one person walks down the street and they will see no two males will look the same. Some males are large and burly with longer hair and beards, and some are clean shaven and are smaller in stature, along everything in between. Diversity is said to be an acceptance of all that is different. For myself, I have experienced both female gender expectations and am now experiencing the pressures of male gender expectations. But no matter what gender I am, I know that from my experiences I have become myself. Now a Resident Assistant, pursuing a PhD in counseling psychology, and a member of the dance community on campus, my story and my experiences are what motivates my goals and ambitions. Just like diversity is expanding and rewritten to include all new forms, as is my story. Changing and growing with the new experiences that I encounter.